I expected today to be a dull dull day. When I woke up at 5am I called up my dear friend Louis who's a stupid jew and forgot to wake me up. Well basically Brian, Chris, Louis & Chin Wai came to my house at 8 to make pancakes. Their lazy asses ended up falling asleep, so the pancake making job was up to my pro spatula flipping pancake skills and Chris.. and... his... G1ness? Lol. Well we made a feast when Lily&Joyee arived (&Johnny later on). Consisted of Pancakes, Mac&Cheese, Garlic Bread, Mashed Potatoes. Yum (: The day that I expected to be a boring dull day, turned out to be pretty.. alright (surprisingly) and very HOT. It was a relaxing chilled day after we all hopped on my bed in front of the fan. I got to have talks with a lot of my friends that I needed catching up on with<3
P.S I BEAT LOUIS IN BRAWL 1ON1. WOOT! - Edit: 1:10A.M ~
I just got off the phone with my friend. He played me a song that I instantly fell in love with. Considering JaeJoong is deeply loved by my meimei Joyee, when I heard his name it sent me a spark of curiosity. It's those kind of songs that remind me of my heartbroken relationships. His voice touched my heart, and reopened a piece of my heart that I swore would be locked till eternity. I wanted to cry, yet I have no one to hold me. No one to comfort me except the lonely shadows of my stilled room and my memory filled pillow. The pillow that shared my thought, my pain, my tears. The only thing I could cry to without being lied to. Yet in reality, I'm alone. Like always when I need someone the most.. I can't bare to bring myself to their face. Just the thought of troubling them strikes at my heart. It forces me to turn away, and walk back slowly into the shadows. God -.- Why'd I pick up. I'm going to go knock myself out now. Chao~
I deleted that last post. My friend made me. I won't get into the reasoning and explanation. I miss him I really do. I signed on msn for the first time in months. The memories I longed to forget came rushing back to me. All those late night conversations, all those laughs. (All those webcam chats :P no kinkiness included) All those countless days where we were lost in time and space. When his messenger box popped up with those simple words "hey tiffeh". I felt suprised yet relieved. Losing my iphone made me realize I never talked to him anymore. Dang. I really should get a phone book or something o_o Hehe anyways. My dear relationship councler<3 LOL I hope I make him smile, I know he does to me. Even though we have our differences, we had something special. (RIGHT?) *nudgenudgewinkwink* I'm glad though. That we're still good friends after all this time. Even after he moved halfway across the world (not really) that when it comes down to it we're still together. Not virtually, just spiritually. Anyways enough PISH POSH. Or else I'm going to start sobbing bitterly :P - - Soo I'd like you all to know I DO enjoy my funky hair... a LITTLE.. FUNKYJUNKYMUNKY. Gosh I know it's a bad hair cut but no need to RUB IT IN MY FACE dirty whOars =.= HMPH ~ I don't know why I feel like a huge load of stress has been lifted off my shoulders. Even though I'm prob 99.9% not moving to Taiwan due to money issues. Yes, this is the part where you guys can go crazy and throw a party) >__<. I don't know what's going on in my life no more. New road time. TIME TO DIG TO AFRICA! Hah seriously, but for some reason I'm just really happy. It's okay just ignore me im a queer today(: *Just ask brian -.-
P.S. MeiMei I hope you're happy love<3(: You deserve it
Edit:5:12pm
- I just got back from the beach. I left early since my stomach was killing me. I think I almost died on the bus ride. I had to sit next to some white guy and a couple so I had nothing to lean on. I toppled over a good 8-9 times. Haha thank god I don't know any of them and hopefully will never see them again. I missed my stop and ended up at queens center mall, since I have no money I forced myself to take those painful steps back to my house. It took.. FOREVER! .__. I seriously think God is out to get me this month, Lol.. Boo :( Anywho, I have a mind splitting headache from all the blinding lights, and dizzying bus movements.. so I think I shall go rest now...
Joyee, I want you to know you're the comfort I needed. Those two words "it's okay" reminded me I shouldn't be crying for one person when I have a sister I love with all my heart next to me. You were the comfort I needed to pull myself together and stop crying. Thank you <3
I just slept for 17 hours, and my body is in pain. Lol, karma for me ain't it? That's what I get for not sleeping for two days. I wanted to blog last night but I was at the point where I couldn't keep my eyes opened anymore. I'm a foolish thing.. aren't I? In so many different ways especially in love. I can't tell which part of my body hurts right now, basically all over. It hurts.. can't you tell? It really hurts. =.= I cried for the first time in years. In front of someone I mean. I usually leave the crying for when im by myself. Yesterday I just couldn't hold it in anymore. Even if it was just for a few seconds I cried. Just for a second I forgot about all the stress and problems. Just for a second I let everything go from my heart. Just for a second it seemed like I could float to heaven and never come back. Yet the comfort of my sisters shoulder reminded me that I'm still there. Even if the world crashed and nothings going right. I'm still there. I just tumbled from taking a few steps. Even though I'm off track and behind.. I'll catch up sooner or later. Let's just warn you, I've got my eye on you now :]
Yesterday, was a cute little day. I got to spend it with my sister & best friend. Even though we were in a group of about 10-12 people (1-4 I didn't know well), it gave me a warm feeling that I haven't felt in a while. I almost went through the whole day without any worries or stress. Just almost... At certain times I felt like just punching Chris and Ada in the face for being such dumb asses. Chris for being such a horny fuck and moving too quickly. Ada for being such a horrible friend. I wanted to shake her by the shoulders and smack her till she actually becomes considerate of Joyee. She knew exactly how Joyee felt and how Joyee ended up crying the night before, yet she didn't care. That's just the kind of people I really hate. Other then that.. there wasn't anything that stressed me out except for of course the usual my parents. I can't say it was a perfect day but I'd give it a 7 out of 1O. I miss my other friends, I know they miss me too but it's just different now. I wish I could hang out with them more but I don't want to spend my last summer playing handball every day as much as I'd like to. I feel like my life is on fast forward. With every day is passing by faster and faster, if I don't stop in time maybe I'll just miss that moment I've been waiting for. Maybe I should just get off this crazy ride. Relax and chill for a bit. Well it doesn't matter anyways this week till July 5th; is the last days of freedom. Next few weeks after that till august are going to be packed with -- > prep school. piano. karate. work. singing. dancing. etc. No time for fun and games<3 :/ Except the (singing/dancing) part, CAN'T DO THAT WITHOUT HAVING FUN(: ~ I will work extra hard to improve my self. *nods* So I have a little dilemma where my heart never listens to my mind. When I think left, my heart goes right. When I think right, my heart goes left. Why oh why? I'll like to write a letter to my heart. Maybe, then would it listen to my mind for a lil bit and save me from all these troubled thoughts. I think I shall go to sleep now and dream of those weird dreams that occur in my head. Lets hope none of my dear friends get hit by an ice cream truck tonight. Praying for you & wishing you the best. Oyasuminasai~ Currently Learning : A Thousand Miles
Here I am in my empty room, with tears flowing down my face. Why? I don't know myself.. Those simple words that usually would have no effect on me, instead today started a waterfall. Truthfully I don't really care who's reading this. May you be someone I'm close to or may you be a stranger who's eyes are just taking a mere glimpse through my distant words. I'm really just sick of this. How long can I withstand life? It seems like god's just taking cruel steps in making my life as difficult as possible. To start off with, the burns on my right wrist are staring back at me, mocking me. Reminding me of just exactly how ugly I could be in reality. Where everything conceited in my brain impacts my life and comes flying back in my face twenty times harder. I can't say I'm a heartless bitch at the second. I am a bitch no doubt, but my heart is there and its hurting.. hard. I think it's god's way of telling me it's not meant to be. I want to spill my heart out to him, yet my gut tells me to hold myself back. What can I possibly say, or do that will actually make sense? My whole body is a mess, inside and out. I can't see prettiness or even a mere drop of beauty, all I can see is a deep sour ugliness seeping out from every direction. I can't ask for you to understand me because it'd be just plain selfish of me. Instead, I'll become mute and remain the way I am, silently sending you my thoughts and prayers every second of every day in ways that make sense to me. I hope that's fine with you, because I'm content with that for now. I'll be taken away from my circle of communication again since my iphone was stolen. Like that wasn't enough to top it off they had to steal my money too. Maybe, its karma for all the things I've stolen before, it just caught up to me a few years too late. I'm thankful though it was my iphone stolen, instead of anything happening to any of my friends or me. I'm thankful for those few friends of mine that automatically put their attention on getting back my phone or replacing my phone. But. Really? I don't need a new one. I think even if I get a new phone now, it'll be different. Don't ask me how, I just know it in my gut. So in weird ways, it was a good day on saturday and in ways it was just simply horrible. My body feels numb-er by the second as I am getting drowsy.. Im guessing the pill is kicking in. (Edit:3:47am) I'm still pushing it real hard, my tears have long dried. Yet my heart is still silently weeping. I'll be okay, i'm strong. *nods* Doesn't matter because I know there'll be another mountain to climb. I'll stay strong for those who need me more then myself. I'll pull myself out of my two day misery and brighten up with my usual charade. That just could be it, my life.. a charade, a simple game of acting your life out.. just waiting for someone to understand you. Waiting for someone to guess exactaly what your purpose of life is. Sucks neh? But just for tonight lets forget about all that. Just for tonight don't you think you should let me cry peacefully? <3
I can't explain myself to you. Not right now, not in this position, not like this.. I locked my heart up mighty tight years ago. Yet, there's places wear light shines through the tiny cracks on that broken bitter barrier. I can stand here and pour my heart out to you, yet I feel like my heart has been cruelly frozen to the point of no repair. It's a feeling of wanting to scream your lungs out when you're simply mute. From what little I can explain it feels like a depressing sentence after another. I'm at the point of just wanting to rip my heart out, toss it in the trash, and to live the rest of my life without emotions. I've always tried to look at the brighter side of things, I've always tried to be strong. Yet, I still have those days where I simply want to break down and cry my eyes out. I want to be able to scream the loud questions in my head sending me tiny shocks of pain every second if unanswered. I want to be able to feel stress free just for a second. Being kicked while you're down ain't a pretty thing.. but after the first, second, third, fourth, and so on times you get use to the light bruises. You get used to the numb cold feeling seeping through your body after, you get used to the bitter part of what we call life.
I've been scolded, yelled, abused, by my parents quite often already. Verbally and Physically. I've taken shit after shit after shit. I'm tired.. I want to go into a slow slumber and never wake up. That's how I sincerely feel right now. I'm fifteen, I'm use to all this shit but as of right now.. I have enough pressure as it is I don't need them ohdeeing on me about every fucking little thing just so they can release their stress on me. FUCK I'm not a dam tool. They didn't give birth to me just to fucking abuse me. *sigh* 50/50% - I might just end up in shitty NY. Like since I was born, they build up my hope just to tear it down. Just to simply watch it crumble. Sometimes I wonder if they do this just to spite me. Just to see how much I could take before I break down in front of them. My lifes fucked. I have a goal, I have a dream. I'm simply watching as they drift further and further away. I want to believe in love. I truly do but sadly I can't it just brings me sadness in the end. I've been a good girl I kept my promise. Till 18 we shall live romance-less. Friends bring happiness and pain as does love. So shall I kept my mind locked up? In a place where they can't reach. "We build up walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to break them down". So I shall wait till when love comes strolling down my path. Even if it might pass me by, I'll risk it.. my heart just like a broken window in the end its still hard to fix all the pieces back together. A missing piece here and there there will always be a void somewhere.
Just like Joyee said; there's that bitter feeling of not being wanted, of being useless. I'm having that right now. I think everyone deserves to be cherished one way or another. We have friends for a reason, we have family for a reason, we have lovers for a reason. We communicate for a reason. Why is it that no matter how hard we strive for something it seems to slip away gently from our grasp? Life is a bitch. It truly is.. When will I learn how to grow to love everything for the way it is? I'd like to take a moment and give a friend a nice warm hug. Just to prove to myself they're there, just to prove to myself they're not just my imagination. Yet, I stand here alone with the coldness creeping slowly into my heart. Nothing more to share with you except for my silly little thoughts.
Besides you, I'll have no other. There's a tiny paradise in my heart awaiting your return.
Take my hand, dear friend lets lay here and sleep in harmony. Sit, stay for awhile till night falls lets together watch astronomy. If I fell would you stand to catch me, or would you just let me be falling gently. I'll promise to stand here till i lose my sense of feel, so dear you.. where's the end of your deal?
I Hate. My . Life. Eh actually I don't I'm pretty satisfied with it right now. Nothing unusual has been happening its just the same ol` stuff. T-T It's still gloomy today. I stayed up talking to a friend all night, not like I woulda been able to fall asleep anyways. I don't want to sleep my life away. I'd like to be someone. I'd like to do something. I think I'll reach out for my goals and dreams about now. Tomorrow is a day with joyee<3; &Hopefully it will be a lovely lovely day. Q-Q <- heh dork glasses. Thats what I'm wearing right now. Except they're not at all dorky. Just a few weeks ago every day I'd put on a load of makeup even though I'm only 15. Everyday, it would be to check my clothes, check my hair, check my makeup, check my looks. Why? I don't know myself. Sense of security? If only it was that it would make my life so much easier. I'm use to being the center of attention. Even though that sounds really conceited its true. Even when I don't want to somehow I still end up somewhere near the middle. It gets hard sometimes because they don't realize what I'm feeling inside. I love these people but its just difficult. At least now I'm at the point where I don't give a crap anymore and truth be told I'm glad. Less makeup, more makeup still the same me. So everyone else can talk all the shit they want I could care more or less. Too bad I won't care at all :P Nowadays I wear light makeup and from time to time heavy makeup but I've always been the way I am, I doubt anyone in this world can change me. I like me, I hope you like me the way I am too ^_^ ~ jia you xiao wen ! wo huai xian ni men. Ni men si wo xin zong de ai. Bu yao wang jie wo<3
There's a girl livin' in this town Shes got her head up in the sky but her feet are on the ground There's a girl livin' on my street She knows outside her little world Somehow ends are gunna meet And when the roads get kinda rough She keeps one thing in mind The longest journey always starts with Once about a time And this girl has seen a lot of pain But this girls gunna smile again But she knows a flower grows everytime It rains And this girls got a lot of dreams She knows that tommorrow isn't what it seems She might not slove a mystery tonight But this girls gunna be alright
Theres a girl walking in these shoes And she knows that everythings she got is all shes got to loose Theres a dream right behind these eyes And she finds a reason to be strong with every tear she dries Being hard to fight the way things are so she leaves the world behind with the sound of doubt turned up so loud she turns the music up inside
And this girls seen a lot of pain but this girls gunna smile again she knows that a flower grows everytime it rain and this girls got a lot of dreams she knows that tommorrow ain't what it seems she might not slove a mystery tonight but this girls gunna be alright
She knows it so much she's never seen the sound will come louder to find out what it means
And this girls seen a lot of pain but this girls gunna smile again she knows that a flower grows everytime it rain and this girls got a lot of dreams she knows that tommorrow ain't what it seems she might not slove a mystery tonight but this girls gunna be alright Alright, shes gunna be alright
Its currently raining. Boo ): I love rain, yet at the same time don't. Taking long walks in the rain is resfreshing<3 yet it makes me gloomy. How does that work out in life? To me, it feels like somewhere in heaven god is crying silently, weeping tears of misery. "Dear God, why are you crying?" I'd like to have that time in my life where as if it were to be made into a movie, it would be the scene where we hold hands prancing through a meadow full of flowers. Why? Doesn't it just seem lovely to you? Corny, yes. At the same time lovely, joyful& peaceful.
Heh. So NEW PLANS<3 are always fun. I'd like this one summer to be filled with all those summery memories. Campfires, smores, laughter, beach, cupcakes, picnics, friendly parties, cool evening night talks, midnight walks, stuff like that ya'know? But, I know that's just in my imagination, everyone will be busy with summer school, as I will be with summer prep school. Them with their jobs, me with my classes. I feel like there's hardly anytime left to hangout and really just enjoy our lives. I know even though I love thrilling fun interesting days but right now even if it may just be for a second I'd like to simply have a day, where we all just have fun doing whatever we do. Nothing special, unique or planned. Just for everybody to be able to go with the flow~ Dont 'cha think so to? ^^"
Edit: June O4, 2OO9 // 4:33am I didn't want to make a different entry for the fourth, because today is a bad bad day. Why? Its another one's birthday. Yep, another. You know you'd expect that I would be use to remembering everyone's birthdays, no matter how much shit they've put me through. I think I should grow up. Seriously =.= but at the same time I can't. I've known I've gotten over everything its just that nagging feeling once more. happy birthday you. ~ sixth year; ihateyouiloveyouidespiseyou
It's currently still raining outside. God I hope you cheer up a bit so I can watch [Up] with my lovely friends. I shan't be sleeping today. Haha I said shan't ^_^ Lily's got it in my head that I have a sleeping disorder. Deep inside I know its true, its been true for the past 2 years. Heck, maybe even longer who knows how much my medication effected me. Rawr. I shall go make myself food since I'm a growing girl (hah growing). Oyasuminasai~ Actually... more like O'Hayou Gozaimasu<3
You can't live with them, you can't live without them.. Seriously men to me are like a rare sad endangered species. Not sure if I should just put a bullet in their head or let them nuture themselves. I'm not saying this about all guys.. just most. I want to not be able to judge that one genuinely decent guy mistakingly caught in the crowd of not so decent men. But beyond that I just really hate those sensless pathetic guys trying to get some ass. You know why there are shallow bitchy girls that were once so innocent and naive in this world? Because behind every bitch there's a man who made her that way. I seriously want to ask god what went wrong when he made men. What circuit went haywire that allows them to think love is a game? Everytime I meet one of those immature selfish little bastards (which seems to be happening a lot lately) I want to take them by their shoulders and shake them till their head falls off. Is it really that fun to break a girls heart? Is it really that fun to have pleasure when there's no love? Think. What's the point when you're just going to be alone, lonely, and in despair in the end. Why is it wrong to want something real?
Love is never easy, we begin by loving the people we can. But it is not long before we find that what we love is other then ourselves, and that our love in no protection against being wounded. Do we then seek to dominate what we love, to make it bend to our will, to stop it from hurting us, even though to do so is to betray love?
posted by Tifae at 
I deleted that last post. My friend made me. I won't get into the reasoning and explanation. I miss him I really do. I signed on msn for the first time in months. The memories I longed to forget came rushing back to me. All those late night conversations, all those laughs. (All those webcam chats :P no kinkiness included) All those countless days where we were lost in time and space. When his messenger box popped up with those simple words "hey tiffeh". I felt suprised yet relieved. Losing my iphone made me realize I never talked to him anymore. Dang. 
I really should get a phone book or something o_o Hehe anyways. My dear relationship councler<3 LOL I hope I make him smile, I know he does to me. Even though we have our differences, we had something special. (RIGHT?) *nudgenudgewinkwink* I'm glad though. That we're still good friends after all this time. Even after he moved halfway across the world (not really) that when it comes down to it we're still together. Not virtually, just spiritually. Anyways enough PISH POSH. Or else I'm going to start sobbing bitterly :P - - Soo I'd like you all to know I DO enjoy my funky hair... a LITTLE.. FUNKYJUNKYMUNKY. 
Gosh I know it's a bad hair cut but no need to RUB IT IN MY FACE dirty whOars =.= HMPH ~ I don't know why I feel like a huge load of stress has been lifted off my shoulders. Even though I'm prob 99.9% not moving to Taiwan due to money issues. Yes, this is the part where you guys can go crazy and throw a party) >__<. I don't know what's going on in my life no more. New road time. TIME TO DIG TO AFRICA! Hah seriously, but for some reason I'm just really happy. It's okay just ignore me im a queer today(: *Just ask brian -.- 
I Hate. My . Life. Eh actually I don't I'm pretty satisfied with it right now. Nothing unusual has been happening its just the same ol` stuff. T-T It's still gloomy today. I stayed up talking to a friend all night, not like I woulda been able to fall asleep anyways. I don't want to sleep my life away. I'd like to be someone. I'd like to do something. I think I'll reach out for my goals and dreams about now. Tomorrow is a day with joyee<3; &Hopefully it will be a lovely lovely day. Q-Q <- heh dork glasses. Thats what I'm wearing right now. Except they're not at all dorky. Just a few weeks ago every day I'd put on a load of makeup even though I'm only 15. Everyday, it would be to check my clothes, check my hair, check my makeup, check my looks. Why? I don't know myself. Sense of security? If only it was that it would make my life so much easier. 
I'm use to being the center of attention. Even though that sounds really conceited its true. Even when I don't want to somehow I still end up somewhere near the middle. It gets hard sometimes because they don't realize what I'm feeling inside. I love these people but its just difficult. At least now I'm at the point where I don't give a crap anymore and truth be told I'm glad. Less makeup, more makeup still the same me. So everyone else can talk all the shit they want I could care more or less. Too bad I won't care at all :P Nowadays I wear light makeup and from time to time heavy makeup but I've always been the way I am, I doubt anyone in this world can change me. I like me, I hope you like me the way I am too ^_^ ~ jia you xiao wen ! wo huai xian ni men. Ni men si wo xin zong de ai. Bu yao wang jie wo<3