| Construction x33 |
| I think my life is under construction. Every day I heave one heavy brick to the center of my life and leave it in the middle of my life and my friends. Every day the wall builds and builds and everyday the obstacle in between us gets bigger and bigger. What will it take for us to be able break down that wall before it's too wide for us to see? What will it take to keep us from drifting farther apart? I'm letting it be.. I'm building the wall wider, thicker, and higher. One brick at a time, soon I won't be with them anymore. I feel like I'm drifting farther apart every day, with nothing to do. For some reason recently I've been feeling more alone then ever. More troubles.. more problems occurred, and with no one to talk to I've been bottling it up one drop at a time. I think my troubles are too much for people at times. I'll rather not trouble them :/ What can I do? I'm tired of my everyday life. How I wish it can be august already. |
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| Reminisce |
Have you ever had those days, where you just sat there reminiscing? I laid there for hours thinking about all the times I've had in my life.
I've realized just exactly how much I've grown;
How much I've changed..
How much I've matured.
How many people have been through my life.
How many days I threw away.
How many hearts were broken.
How many pointless conversations took place.
How each picture was taken at a special time.
How each laughter meant something different.
How each day means some thing.
How many "i love yous" were said, & how many were the truth.
& just how little time we have left.
I hope you guys do your best<3
Gambatte! Hwaiting :D |
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| Truth |
I'm still a child. I'm 1OO% clear of that. I can't do shit with my life, because in ways I'm more pathetic then all the troubled kids out there. What can I do? Nothing. Even if I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face. All I can do is just sit here and do nothing. Nothing with my life. I've only been back in N.Y for two days and the bickering arguments has already begun. I knew in my heart already that there was no way that my mom would simply agree to letting me go to Taiwan. Yet once again I let my hopes kick me in the arse while I was fallen on the floor crying my eyes out. I mean yes in front of my aunt (her older sister) she would, but back at my house here she would never. She's already threatened me with "oh letting you go to Taiwan is going to be impossible with you acting like this" more then 10times. LITERALLY. She's been only attempting to use that as a tool to get me to listen to her, but the thing is I'm stubborn and saying that to me is just going to make me get more pissed off at her. I have no love for my parents, truthfully. I know what they do for me is out of love. I know that they work their asses off more then 350 days a year more then 12 hours a day to be able to pay for stuff I use and stuff I do. To me that's not enough; It doesn't over rule the SHIT they've done to me my whole entire fucking life I was alive. It doesn't even come CLOSE to canceling out the times they've hurt me purposely and left me there in pain. I've never known what a family feels like, except for these two weeks I spent in Taiwan. I hate it here in NY, knowing that I have a choice, a chance to be able to living my life in Taiwan where I want to spend it. I'm running a test trial tomorrow, just a test trial. & I'll show you the results soon enough; I do believe in my self, I know there are a lot and I mean a LOT of teenagers out in the world believing they can get into the Entertainment business and can't, but some part of me thinks that I'm exactly like them. Yet some of part of me thinks I'm not, and I'll be damn ready to prove to the world that. So starting this summer this is it for me. I'm making an oath, once again like my first one.
Oath #2. Starting from today, I'll do whatever it takes to improve my image, my social skills, my talents. Starting from today, I'll do whatever it takes to get me to my goals and dreams. |
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| Fly Away ~ x33 |
Hello, currently noon in Taiwan. Todays my last day in Taiwan I will be boarding my plane in 3 hours and 10minutes. I have found out this is permanent. In august I will fly back to Taiwan by myself to come to school here. Two week trial if I go to school everyday then I will be able to live here until I go to college back in New York. (Possibly 2 - 3 years) I am very much excited but sad to know this will be the last summer I spend with my loved ones. I know that by the time I get back to NY people will have changed. Time changes people and as people change we grow farther apart. I know for sure that 2 years from now I won't have those few friends I love dearly, like they shared my blood and soul. They have been my family these past few years and they do mean very much to me. I will keep in touch with my close sisters and brothers, but those so-so friends will be all gone in two years. I will be back next summer for vacation of course or maybe Christmas 2O1O; I'll secretly send silent prayers every day, for those whom ever it may be listening to my mind and heart. I hope everyone is safe day by day and I hope no one has a troubled life, and I just hope we can live happily as we fade away day by day.
I'll keep this short, since I'm in a rush to get to the airport which is aproximately a hour drive from where I am. Well I hope I do land safely in New York, <3
Thanks Readers[: |
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| Forgotten x33 |
| Just the thought if being forgotten scares me. It is a familiar instinct to be scared when you're forgotten. Just like the maternal instinct I was born with, I have it towards being forgotten. Just like when little kids get lost and seperated from their mothers, we cry when we're forgotten. I don't enjoy crying very much. I'd like to think if I died right now, at this exact moment I'd like to be rememembered. I'd like to make a difference in someones life. I wish I can reach for my dreams and goals, but right now I'm not even legal to drive yet. Not legally a adult and not legally able to make decisions for myself. I can't say the law sucks because to me it does make sense, but it does suck. I want to be able to make life changing decisions. I want to be able to do some thing to change the world, even if its just by a TINY little bit. I'd like to help ~ too bad we don't always get what we want in life. How fake can someone be leading a life they don't enjoy? |
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| Kibou |
Yes day 5? I think lol, im back in Taipei nikka & basically more shopping, more relative seeing, more usual days. I have found out some thing recently that gave me hope. My second favorite uncle just came back from a buisness trip in China and he began talking to my mom. Listening to all the stories of my tantrums and disobedience. (LOL) Well too bad for my mom he told her they have a blame in all this. He told my parents that I'm mature and smarter then normal kids for my age so he thinks it would be actually good if i stayed and lived in Taiwan. So here comes hope streaming down my face. The plan now is for me to go back to NY and get a Taiwan passport so I can actually come back to Taiwan and legally live here (: ~ My aunts husband (my uncle in law) offered for me to stay at his house and live with them. So in a few hours im going to go to a few highschools so I can pick one to attend. Truthfully im fucked schoolwise. -__- My chinese is prob as good as a first grader in Taiwan. I can barely write and read and my mando kinda sucks a little compared to those my age, but I'm willing to try and learn. I have a shit load of catching up to do and I promise to god, If i get to live in Taiwan I will actually try.
Yet I know plans can change as fast and as often the current does in the ocean. Without hopes there are no expectations. So when you don't get what you wish for, nothing will be crushed. I'll keep my mind down low and just live my life day by day. I miss my piano ): My iPhone is the only musical thing left with me. (Besides the music playing in stores while i shop but that sucks) My hands are aching for the feel of my piano and to be able to hear the soothing sounds to my ears. Well I guess I just have to wait to go to my only uncle's house that has a piano. Grr, I wonder how all my friends are doing back in NY and I do miss hanging out and having fun. Here I don't know anyone except for relatives and the few people i grew up with for 6years when i was younger, but we've all changed and its awkward now. I hope everyones doing okay ~ |
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| Taiwan |
Currently : Chilling in Taiwan [:
I would say I miss my city days, but I'd be lying to the world and myself. I'm loving it here even though its only day 2. Everything is closer then it is in Manhattan, NY and I feel right at home. Just knowing that I have to leave in 2weeks though makes my heart ache. My uncle reminded my mom that I need a Taiwan passport to be able to live in Taiwan. I only have a damn U.S.A one -__- ; LAME ~ ! It's okay though once I get back to NY my mom will get me one. If she doesn't I'll throw the hugest bitch fit she will ever see a five foot one short little girl throw. I don't really give a crap, I plan to come live in Taiwanese even if I have to wait to buy a ticket myself in 3 years and come here with no money, no place to live, no source of income because thats the risk I'll go through to achieve my goals and get the hell away from my parents. Well, enough with that because I think I'll rather keep my mind on the happy side for now :/
I'm happy to say that even though I cant stay in Taiwan I did go shopping for a BUNCH of stuff. Lemme tell you, the stuff here is MIGHTY cheap compared to NY. Lol, I have two new hats, two new pairs of 1inch comfortable as hell heels, 1 new purse/bag, at least 4 new tops, a bunch of jewelry, and a new jacket. (Reminder, its only day DOS) [: Teehee ~ THIS is what I've been saving up for. By the way I bought this cute pink dress for 3,000$ which is 100$ in US money xP got cha there for a second did I. Would I ever spend 3,000$ on a dress? Maybe..? If I was a damn rich bitch? Lol. Anyways that will soon be my sweet sixteen dress and I LOVE it. It fits perfectally, length, size and all. Im in loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ~ Now all I need is a tiara. Don't I sound like a spoiled little girl? Hah, well I am for this current month at least. My favorite uncle left me 2000$ (65$?) last week when he flew in from Japan. I am extremely sad that I missed him :( because well simply hes my favorite uncle. *cries* In anycase, I'm having fun here being with relatives that make me actually feel like I do have a family.
The food here is amazing. Well to me at least because I use to love eating food here when I was little. Brings back distant memories and tastes. Well hopefully this week I get to see my favorite cousin, but I've heard shes mighty busy lately since she's preparing for college. The students in Taiwan don't get spring breaks or anything of that sort. *BOO!* ): but, seeing those fobs in their school uniform makes up for it. -HEYYYYYYYYYY[; well that's all for today I'm pooped.
I finally got my hands on a computer at my other relatives house in YiLan ~ I'll only be here till tomorrow. SO after that I have no clue when I'll be on again - |
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| Goodbyes |
Today's the day. T-minus 6hours to my airplane flight to Taiwan. How do I feel? currently not the way I should be. Shouldn't I be ecstatic? I slept till 4today.. when I was suppose to hang out with all my old friends. I felt like I would feel remorse or sadness if I saw all of them. Even the friend I don't hang out with much just time to time on a daily basis. We were all at a level of comfort that it always feels like we were distant relatives or some thing. So I stayed home and slept, because alright that's a way to get those damn thoughts out of my head. Goodbyes make me sad, even that tiny percent of the possibility that I would never see them again. Or maybe when I do see them again maybe they've changed. Maybe I'll die in a plane crash or die in a accident in Taiwan, you never know what god has in plan for you. Maybe just maybe I'll have my wish and goal come true in Taiwan. I don't want to say goodbye to anyone that will just remind me of all those memories I had back here. I want to march forward until a plan is for certain when I'm beyond the shores and on the other side THAT'S when I'll look back and wave. Wave goodbye to those certain sad memories and those plenty of happy ones.
Today, I'll keep it short because I have plenty of things I still have to do<3 Thanks for reading.. I don't think I'll be able to blog for a while. |
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| Reflection x33 |
Hello, its lunchtime.
I haven't ate much these past days. I converted to being a pescetarian just so in September, I could fit into those tiny little frilly dresses. I even cut down all the snacks and junk food. I know I'm not fat, but being friends with everyone so skinny it makes me paranoid at times. I feel like my tummy fat taunts me every night reminding me I could do just a little better. Maybe some of you reading this are probably thinking "wow what a dumb bitch" or some thing along those lines, but its true. All I my life, every day and I'm not kidding everyday there has been arguments in my household. Every fucking day, I usually end up screaming and falling asleep with tears in my eyes and such. Even on birthdays, holidays.. etc.. :/ No matter what though no matter how hard i get hit, no matter how much i get yelled at, I've kept it at heart and smiled on every day in my life just so I can live my life everyday with my friends. The only thing I really wanted in mind was to celebrate my 16th birthday and have a sweet sixteen. Now I just found out, when I go to Taiwan there's a 50% possibility I could stay there. Its kind of a win/lose situation no matter what happens. If i stay in Taiwan, I won't be able to have my sweet sixteen but at least I'll be able to leave my screwed up home in NY. If I don't and come back to NY I'll be able to have my sweet sixteen and come back to my shitty house. My mom knows and understands how much pressure I take, and how much pain I'm in. She told me, that while I'm there if she works things out with one of her sisters/brothers and my relatives (which is like tons D: I can't even keep count considering I've never met all of them) I could stay there and basically live there. So if I do live there I wont even have my birthday at all. One of my only wishes.. fantastic. goodbye party~
So, have you ever had those days where you're surrounded by hundreds and thousands of people yet you felt like you were the only person alive all alone on earth? I've had days and days of those. I want to be able to have mere dreams that can and could not come true. I want to be able to feel as free as the birds flying in the sky, free from gravity, free from force ~ I'd like to smile and be able to truly meant it without anything else hindering my mind from the real true meaning of happiness. So what would it take for me to be able to feel all that besides the pain and coldness of my everyday life?
Sometimes I wonder, if god actually hears our prayers and questions. If I prayed really hard would he hear? Would he answer? Would he care? No one knows the answer to those questions. I wish I could listen to those all mighty bible quotes and such, but there's doubts because I'm looking at the facts. If I prayed hard for all those people I care about, would he solve their problems? Even if I don't believe that god will solve my problems right now. I believe one day he will. The retribution of all those prayers could be just what I everyday wish/pray for. Therefore every day even though I don't get results... I'll pray and wish for the well being of everyone, I'll pray and wish for those problems to go away. I'll pray and wish for those broken hearts to be well. For today, I pray and wish those things could come true. |
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| Last Thing. |
While I was just laying there in bed.. thinking of all the possibilities in life. I think one of the things I'd want the most if i were to die RIGHT now is to just meet that guy. The guy who I'd right off the bat be 100% comfortable with. With me that's a hard thing to do, yes I enjoy making friends and stuff but it takes a while for me to settle in that home-y zone. If anyone could stand through the wrath of queen;tiffeh must be pretty damn awesome >:F ahRAWRRRR~ Heh.
Truthfully If I were a guy and I was dating me.. (nawwh i mean?) I'd dump me. I think.. O__o It's not like I've been unfaithful or cheated on my boyfriends before. I've never done that I'm not that shallow or that much of a slut/bitch. What I've realized though, is that I've never put 100% of my heart into it. All of my relationships were always the guys trying while me just being pretty damn laid back. 99% of the times I've said I love you to any of my boyfriends I never meant it. That I think is pretty damn hypocritical of me considering I always say that i HATE people who throw the word "love" around casually. -Sigh-
So, many and I mean many people have asked me if I'd go sky diving before I die. I mean I love heights and all but I'd like to not jump out of a plane at ____ feet in the air even if it is with a parachute; I'd rather my feet are glued to the ground (: Just like rock climbing, I mean if its on a fake little 20-50feet wall. Yo I'm down with that, but a huge real mountain with no protection whatsoever except for the ropes that I have to put in myself I'm good. All I can imagine is falling from the cliff and landing 100feet down on a pile of jaggedly rocks D:
So currently 5:05am as I edit my little blog-oh. Pretty darn tired I must say, but in t-minus 3hours I have to be up and out to go shopping for some late minute items. Then off to Totos to take sticker pictures with a few of my loved ones [; Hehe<3 |
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| Yume Itsumademo |
What does that mean? It means Dream Forever. Some thing I'd really like to do. I am going to in the future achieve my goals. People have looked down on me, just because I do things differently. I hate that terribly, what gives them the right to look down on me? What. Just because they go to school every day and get perfect grades? AHA~ Like I'd give a fuck, because I don't really want to spend my life behind a desk doing accounting, or at a operation table with their hands in someones guts. Uck ~ I have my own dreams and I am working on it. Hehe ~
I think there are no opportunities in life, that can come straight at you. I know I have a long way too go, and maybe even some hard and painful times. I'll be getting critical and bitchy comments along the way, but hey its advice and I'll gladly take it. I have a whole lot of space to improve myself musically and with my attitude. Except, I don't think the attitude thing is gonna change anytime soon[: I've been practicing piano at least three hours a day, which makes me feel super Asian .___. but hey its for the goodness ? of my getting better. Once I get back from Taiwan unless some thing happens I do want to go back to my vocal and dance lessons. I think its time that I stop slacking off.
There's just some people in my life, I don't think I could live without. Then there's... those.. retarded idiots that make me laugh, but at times they just piss me off that I really just want to tell them off. (&I usually end up doing it) Hah, me and my temper.. tsktsk :P Recently, I think.. I've hurt peoples feelings. I somewhat regret it, but I somewhat don't. They aren't little kids I was just being blunt and telling them the truth o__o; Not my fault they say idiotic things to piss me off. Grrr, but thank god none of them are my close friends or else I'd be in store for some cold shoulders or silent treatments >__< " I mean I understand if you say rude things once or twice, but after that it gets past the line where its just not acceptable :/ Eh, oh well.
Countdown : 4 Days Till Taiwan <3 |
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Name: Tifae
Located: New York, United States
Nationality: Taiwanese
DOB: September 04th, 1993
About Me: Click
Here
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Love is never easy, we begin by loving the people we can. But it is not long before we find that what we love is other then ourselves, and that our love in no protection against being wounded. Do we then seek to dominate what we love, to make it bend to our will, to stop it from hurting us, even though to do so is to betray love?
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posted by Tifae at 