| Reflection x33 |
Hello, its lunchtime.
I haven't ate much these past days. I converted to being a pescetarian just so in September, I could fit into those tiny little frilly dresses. I even cut down all the snacks and junk food. I know I'm not fat, but being friends with everyone so skinny it makes me paranoid at times. I feel like my tummy fat taunts me every night reminding me I could do just a little better. Maybe some of you reading this are probably thinking "wow what a dumb bitch" or some thing along those lines, but its true. All I my life, every day and I'm not kidding everyday there has been arguments in my household. Every fucking day, I usually end up screaming and falling asleep with tears in my eyes and such. Even on birthdays, holidays.. etc.. :/ No matter what though no matter how hard i get hit, no matter how much i get yelled at, I've kept it at heart and smiled on every day in my life just so I can live my life everyday with my friends. The only thing I really wanted in mind was to celebrate my 16th birthday and have a sweet sixteen. Now I just found out, when I go to Taiwan there's a 50% possibility I could stay there. Its kind of a win/lose situation no matter what happens. If i stay in Taiwan, I won't be able to have my sweet sixteen but at least I'll be able to leave my screwed up home in NY. If I don't and come back to NY I'll be able to have my sweet sixteen and come back to my shitty house. My mom knows and understands how much pressure I take, and how much pain I'm in. She told me, that while I'm there if she works things out with one of her sisters/brothers and my relatives (which is like tons D: I can't even keep count considering I've never met all of them) I could stay there and basically live there. So if I do live there I wont even have my birthday at all. One of my only wishes.. fantastic. goodbye party~
So, have you ever had those days where you're surrounded by hundreds and thousands of people yet you felt like you were the only person alive all alone on earth? I've had days and days of those. I want to be able to have mere dreams that can and could not come true. I want to be able to feel as free as the birds flying in the sky, free from gravity, free from force ~ I'd like to smile and be able to truly meant it without anything else hindering my mind from the real true meaning of happiness. So what would it take for me to be able to feel all that besides the pain and coldness of my everyday life?
Sometimes I wonder, if god actually hears our prayers and questions. If I prayed really hard would he hear? Would he answer? Would he care? No one knows the answer to those questions. I wish I could listen to those all mighty bible quotes and such, but there's doubts because I'm looking at the facts. If I prayed hard for all those people I care about, would he solve their problems? Even if I don't believe that god will solve my problems right now. I believe one day he will. The retribution of all those prayers could be just what I everyday wish/pray for. Therefore every day even though I don't get results... I'll pray and wish for the well being of everyone, I'll pray and wish for those problems to go away. I'll pray and wish for those broken hearts to be well. For today, I pray and wish those things could come true. |
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Name: Tifae
Located: New York, United States
Nationality: Taiwanese
DOB: September 04th, 1993
About Me: Click
Here
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Love is never easy, we begin by loving the people we can. But it is not long before we find that what we love is other then ourselves, and that our love in no protection against being wounded. Do we then seek to dominate what we love, to make it bend to our will, to stop it from hurting us, even though to do so is to betray love?
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posted by Tifae at 