No matter how close everything seems. It feels like I'll never truly grasp onto what I wish for. Even if it's right clearly in front of me, it still seems miles away.
Happy Birthday you whom I once cared for. Who broke my heart in the cruelest of ways. I'm glad though, I'm genuinely suprisingly glad. You showed me your true colors and the harsh truth of reality. What I saw for the past 3 years may have well just been an alter image of your fake bitter self. I had once hoped we could be friends but everytime your image pops up in my head, I get a little tearing sensation nudging at my heart. In the end you were right. Theres no possible way when you couldnt even start off being a friend. What saddens me is that you know the facts yourself yet you choose to just sit back and watch.. Here I lay in bed with a mind swarming full of thoughts. I'd like you to get out of my head please, you're of no use here.
What kind of couples make you look twice? In a good way at least. I'm not talking about that one certain couple you see making out furiously in the park. I'm talking about the couples when taking a picture, at the last second the boy turns and kisses the girl on the cheek causing her to radiant, glow & send that camera the most dazzling smile ever. Its those kind of couples that make my heart ache and makes me say "I want a love like that". Don't get me wrong I'm in no rush to find love(; I have plenty of time (I hope at least), but it's just envy. That big ugly green little monster keeps poking me whenever I'm not looking =.= Still, I'm happy for whatever god has in store with me. In the end it's still up to myself to fix my own life. 我想你不知道我喜歡你。^-^
I don't want your sympathy nor your pity. It disgusts me, but you know whats really pathetic. That I can't count on those people I call my best friends. I truthfully realized that 1OO% today. Times after times its been the same. They just make up the same excuse as it goes. In the end its still my life. Overall they just don't simply care if I sink or float. You know what, FUCK THAT. I can be selfish too. Why should I give a shit what happens to them? Why should I give a shit when they have problems and turn to me for help?
Even though I say that now, I know if they came to me right at this second. I'll plaster that fake smile on my face I so very often use and be there to comfort them. I guess in the end that's all I'm good for. They pick me up when I'm needed, yet they throw me aside until I'm needed again. Why is that..? For once I'd like someone to realize what I'm worth. Not just a tool to be used. So maybe In the end my parents are right. What can my friends bring me? It doesn't matter if I'd risk everything for them when In the end they'll never do the same for me. This is why I choose to run, because the facts are becoming clearer each day.
Enjoy life, love life, realize how lucky we are to just be able to be alive. Sometimes I feel, what we see everyday doesn't really reach our brain or we simply just don't have a thought for it. The trees everyday that keep us alive and breathing. How many of us actually do actually stop and think to ourselves, "wow that one tree is keeping someone alive". Nature's a mighty thing don't you think..? In one second, a city could be flooded. In one second, a whole town could be destroyed. In just one second, millions of lives could be lost.
Just then.. I've been getting that feeling of yearning for someone. Not a specific someone, just someone to lean a shoulder on. Just someone to be there for me to say "I care, I want you to be happy, I want you to go on without regrets". I have been hearing it from a few guys, just not from the right guy. You gotta love how god screws with your life to make you squirm, I just hope he's had his fun for now. 'have you god?' I'm trying my best to live everyday. To be able to put a smile on my face and think everything is for the better. Yet I have doubts, In reality is that true..? Is it really for the better? It's already too late now to turn back, I'll just have to bravely step forward. Yet it seems like, if time were to skip forward right now to that exact moment I wouldn't have the courage to take that final step.
Yesterday, I came up with my first composition. My first composed piece. I plan to dedicate it to my cousin, who's 30something. She once had an accident that left her paralyzed. Even though shes mentally challenged now, she still breaths, smiles, eats, moves. When I was in Taiwan playing piano for her on my spare time she'd sit there and start smiling to the music. Just that mere smile to tell you she hears it, shes listening, and shes happy.. I plan to improve and edit it no matter how long it takes. I'll put my heart in it, for never caring about my family members may it be that god decides to give her a better take in life again. Even though it's only for a mere 20seconds of 6 measures it's a start. It's only traditional to fall down while taking your first baby steps. That was step one, here I go with the others. If I were to succeed on my first try, there wouldn't be room for improvement. To be able to climb higher in our goals of life you would have to fall first.
You know just for now when it seems like all we can strive to do better, we don't realize how much we've improved. It might be in the tiniest of ways but it IS still a improvement. For now as teenagers all we can do is work harder for our goals. Don't look around you, look at yourself. Stop comparing yourself to others, because truthfully what's the point of that? It doesn't matter what happens in the future in the end its still your life. Yours to control. Look past the painful lonely days, where you're sunken in despair. Look at the brighter sides of things, at the little facts that you've improved.
I'm currently at work right now and so totally slacking off. Well, I've been having cramps all week because its that time of the month again HORRAY! ~ Or it's just my stomach problems -__- Today it is now final. They sent the receipt to my email. My flight to my new life is on Sunday / August 2nd, 2009 @ 11:45pm. So to the last summer together I hope we do enjoy every moment of each day.
Had a two hour conversation with Daniel & Kenneth last night just to catch up. I use to talk to Daniel almost every day of every week but recently it just hasn't been the same. Don't get me wrong I love him so much hes been there for me since I was in 5th grade man and same goes with Kenneth, but with Kenneth it's since THIRD grade. These two are as close to me as Joyee&Lily are. Anyways back to the topic. Kenneth heard from a little bird that I was moving and when I called him to explain he sounded so sad. Him being my best friend for a long time decided to look at the brighter side of it in that way that always makes me smile. Truthfully, I don't know what I'd be doing these days without these people to talk to. They constantly make me smile when I have nothing to look forwards to, or when I feel like the world is crashing down and just simply having a terrible day. *nods*
I'm currently back to attending karate so maybe just maybe I will end up losing that tummy fat I've carried with me for the past few years. 2 Hours A Day, 4 Times A Week, thats enough workout to burn most of my fat, neh? The bad side to this is that now I rarely have time to spend with my friends. Just last week I had free time about 6days a week, now this week I only have 2 free days. Karate, Piano, Work, Math Class, Etc. That's only till summer too. Once summer comes I have all that AND summer prep school. HOW LOVELY~
Sigh* Well its okay, because I'm happy these days. With more stuff to do, more people to meet, friends to talk to, what else? I haven't been fighting with my family as much anymore, only because I think they realize I'll be going byebye soon. Heh; Anyways I should stop slacking off bout now because I really need the money :P ~
Have you ever had the feeling your world was tumbling down right before your eyes yet all you can do is watch the pieces crumble and fade to dust? Here I am sitting locked up in my room blogging on my dam little phone (surprisingly speedy yet painful). I've been sitting up here just thinking and reading and writing because right now I know if I step out my room and see one of my parents I will blow up. I'm sick of the lies and sick of the arguments. I won't sit here and complain because dam straight I'm going to do something about it. Yet at the same time I don't know how to act to some of my closest friends. A week ago I thought I was just being paranoid but now I can see clearly. I wasn't being paranoid because it was my instinct.
Kon-nichiwa readers. *Sigh* Tomorrows that day, that dreadful day of my life where I plaster a smile on my face and pretend I'm a intelligent dandy little gal and force those three words out of my moth. Happy Mother's Day (but truthfully I won't be at all Happy). I just don't understand it. No matter how many times I listen to Jay Chou's song "Ting Ma Ma De Hua" literally meaning listen to mothers words (a catchy song I must say). I can compare to him and I do understand what his lyrics mean because I can relate to him with my mom. My mom does do all that work for me, even though I'm not appreciative of her whatever decisions she made for me in my life was for my own greater good, but it doesn't erase all those times she's brought me pain. I don't want to get into that because my mind is pretty blank right now. So I shall say, for you guys to listen to that song! ~ (In my playlist on the side) &If you don't understand then google the english translations for the lyrics. Well Oyasuminasai. Today's a full day with my dear sister;<3
I'd think plenty of people around my age would be surprised when they finally realize what is truthfully going on around them. If I was to go to my certain friends with dilemmas more then half of them wouldn't know what to do. I truthfully want to ask everyone that, every single one of my friends. If I were to come to you with tears streaming down my face, not uttering a word what would you do? There's rarely any truly genuine friendships anymore. ~
Hello, mother nature. Having fun killing me with your allergy season?
Well, here comes spring bringing with her loads of pollen. T-T &Of course here I am with a stuffy nose a itchy throat and just simply horrible allergies. This why I can't sing. Ever since I was little I was dosed up on medication. Now since I'm older I've literally taken almost every medicine for my allergies. My peditricion is SCARED of giving me any more medicine, because for 8 years she's been giving me stronger and stronger medicine where right now its at the peak. My allergies kick in whenever they want to, like the weather (even in the summer; I mean seriously who has allergies in the SUMMER .___. im such a queer). I can't control them no matter how hard I try &whenever they do want to come to kick my ass I end up not being able to sing. So where does that lead me. To the last step.. surgery :/ Or laser surgery. To me they're both the same involving removing some part of some thing in my nose that I myself are not to clear about. So now theres one more thing to look forward to on my schedule. Surgery.. HORRAY.. Funn... ): Oh someone save me now ~
Cheers to forgotten loves. Cheers to broken hearts. Cheers to boring lives. Cheers to tasteless music. Cheers to cold winters. Cheers to despair. Cheers to hopelessness, but most of cheers for lying till the end of time. So to that boy, I once loved &once cherished. Somehow I know I can't keep my promise because love is a two way street. You just can't seem to keep your end of the bargain. What once was love between us is now a lost friendship between time and space. Good luck to your future and i do genuinely wish you meet the girl of your dreams. So I'll play you that one song you once loved with me. Happy Belated Birthday you; Cheers
Frustration kills. Lately, I've been feeling time a bomb ticking and ready to explode at any moment. Not being able to walk out my door and just speak loudly and truthfully to everyone what is exactly on my mind. It's how I wake up every morning frustrated at my life. Its like where you dream about something that's perfect and when you wake up you get so damn pissed off that its not reality but merely a simple dream. Just like when I was younger simply believing what everyone says, innocent and gullible. Growing up like that has taught me quite a lot of things. My decisions when it comes to friends, has decreased in range. I've been personally kicking those useless friends of mine out the door. I hate how when I put all my close friends before myself, even though I don't expect the same in return I do expect a little decency for them to care just even a bit about my feelings. Whats the point if I know when they're upset or mad or anything but they can't even read one single thing on my face or rather mask. I'm talking bout the people I've known for years and I do mean years. =.= Days pass by hey its already May. Before we know it summers going to come and go and another session of school shall begin. *Sigh* I shall keep this short in case I bore you out of your minds; Oyasuminasai<3
Is Confidence the key? I don't think so..... I think you need more then that. I know I have the talent of acting, but is it enough? Am I good enough? I can be like all those other billions of girls who want to get into the world of entertainment, but can't because they don't have what it takes. I can think that I am better then them and that I have a chance but I don't and what if in reality I just suck hairy balls. What makes me any different or more unique then all those other girls? You may think I'm stupid for having such a childish dream but of course I have fallback plans in case I don't succeed. I mean you'll never know if you don't even try. I want to reach for my dreams of being an actress even if there's a possibility that I can be shot down in a second and have my dreams crushed. You can't get up if you don;t fall right? T-T If only there was a world that we don't have to fall to reach our dreams. For now, in New York I'll just live my daily routine slowly as every day passes by.
1) Work and save money for when I go to Taiwan. 2) Practice piano at least 2hours every day. 3) Memorize the chords for my guitar. 4) Actually pay attention to my singing classes. 5) Exercise and lose at least 5TEEN pounds before august. 6) Finish my karate classes. 7) Finish my first song &put it together.
By the time I'm done with all that I think It'll be August already. Since I'm slowly fading from every one's lives, I don't think it'll make a difference if I spend less time with them. As I slowly disappear from their line of sight I'll take bold steps to my new beginning. For now I'll put 90% into my future &goals. As I think more and more about my every day life and where I'm headed the more I realize that I'm growing older and I should get a move and start on my life. Those dear loves of mine, those ones my heart painfully aches for.. those in pain. I pray that god can someday soon take your pain away, because the current state that I'm in right now I can't be of any help to you guys. I know usually I help cover up the scar like a little band aid with opinions, advices, heart to heart talks, but right now I think I would be too absent minded to help at all. All I can offer for now is a hug, possibly a warm cup of cocoa and a seat for you to accompany me and my lonely heart if you desired to do so.
Love is never easy, we begin by loving the people we can. But it is not long before we find that what we love is other then ourselves, and that our love in no protection against being wounded. Do we then seek to dominate what we love, to make it bend to our will, to stop it from hurting us, even though to do so is to betray love?
posted by Tifae at 
